REPORT: COLD DICK
FILE #: 411

The episode begins by showing Las Vegas neon signs and a car pulling into the parking lot at the “Fun City Motel” … with Miss Parker and Broots, checking in to room number 7, the honeymoon suite. Miss Parker is complaining about being so far from the strip, in the gaudy room. Broots reminds her that Jarod didn’t lead them there … Jarod’s friend told him to stay there, in an e-mail that Broots intercepted. Broots says that Jarod is going to walk right into their hands. Miss Parker corrects him, saying, “My Hands.”

Miss Parker settles down on the bed with a drink and tells Broots to take the first watch – then, as he settles into his chair by the window overlooking the parking lot, tells him that if he falls asleep it’ll be a Hell of a Wedding Night.

The sun is rising over the hills of Las Vegas, slowly lighting up the honeymoon suite. There are clothes and shoes all over the floor of the room. Miss Parker begins to stir. She’s under the covers, on the left-hand side of the bed … facing the window. As we see more of the room and the bed, we realize that Broots is on the right-hand side of the bed … under the covers … in the bed with Miss Parker! They look at each other, bewildered at first and then with shock. Miss Parker looks under the covers and realizes she is naked. Broots follows suit and finds that he, too is in his birthday suit under there. Miss Parker expresses dismay. Broots looks pleased with himself.

Voiceover from Jarod, saying, “Welcome to sin city … Las Vegas Nevada.” He says that a pretender should be able to win big there, but all Jarod has managed to do is throw snake eyes. He has no good luck … only bad … Argyle and Jarod are sitting in what appears to be a meat locker and it’s very cold in there. Argyle’s dog is in there with them. Jarod says that some days, it doesn’t pay to answer your e-mail.

Back to Jarod, Argyle and the dog in the freezer … Jarod says, still in voiceover, “Look at me … some genius … I wish I could pretend myself into some long johns …”

The scene changes to three days prior … Jarod is going into the office of Richard Dixon, Private Investigator. After he is inside, he gets jumped from behind. Jarod wrestles his attacker off his back and finds that it’s Argyle. He e-mailed Jarod because he wants him to help him again. As Argyle is pleading with Jarod to stay, a burly man enters the room. He has a double dip, pistachio ice-cream cone in his hand. When Argyle tells the man that Jarod is “Dick Dixon” the man punches him in the eye and then pulls out a gun.

In voiceover, Jarod explains that Argyle was the janitor of the building and was cleaning the abandoned office of Dick Dixon (who skipped town a year before to avoid paying his debts).

Argyle was scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush when a showgirl named Mona came in asking for help on behalf of her employer, Dirty Willie. She’s carrying a Vegas bucket of quarters, saying that’s all Willie has left and he told her to get the bucket of quarters to Mr. Dixon. Mona tells Argyle that Willie knows things … things that he shouldn’t know. Argyle, besotted with the pretty girl, claims to be Dixon’s partner, tries to show her the birthmark that caused his parents to name him “Argyle” and takes the job of giving Willie the protection he needs.

As Jarod continues his voiceover, Argyle goes back to Mona’s club, the Alibar, looking for clues regarding what happened to dirty Willie. He walks in as someone is stringing the 300 pounds, dead, Willie up — panics … and runs before he sees who the murderer is.

Back to the guy with the pistachio ice cream and the gun … he asks Jarod (who he thinks is Dick Dixon) where Mona is. Jarod says he doesn’t know. The man with the gun claims to be Mike, Mona’s brother – who promised their Mother, before she died, that he’d look after her. Jarod buys the story and says he’ll help find the missing showgirl.

Jarod leaves the office to start investigating … Argyle wants to go along as his partner … Jarod says no way … Argyle begs and pleads, telling Jarod that Mona is “the one” … smooshes his face on the windshield of the car as he whines … until Jarod agrees to let him come along.

In the honeymoon suite, Miss Parker is asking herself how she got in this nightmare. Broots claims that he was watching out for Jarod when Miss Parker looked at him with eyes as though she wanted to do the “midnight creep.” Parker denies it. The phone rings and it’s Sydney – asking how the stake-out is going. He says he will be there tomorrow, with Lyle and Raines. As she grabs her clothes and heads toward the bathroom to dress, Miss Parker threatens Broots – telling him that he’d better not say a word about it.

Standing there in his patterned boxer shorts, Broots asks Miss Parker if when she says things like that to him, she ever considers his feelings. Her response is the slam of the bathroom door in his face. He yells through the door at her, asking her what it is about him that she finds so utterly repulsive … Miss Parker comes out, shoves him onto the bed and tells him that she thinks that, in the game of life, he’s second string and she doesn’t want a loser. Broots stands up to her and tells her that she’s right … he’s never taken a risk. But only because the only one he ever wanted to take was to sneak into her office in the evening and rub her neck when she gets her nightly migraine. The speech moves Miss Parker … she advances slowly on Broots … they kiss … then fall onto the bed!

Before Jarod and Argyle start trying to solve Willie’s murder and go looking for Mona, they stop to see Argyle’s Father, Benny … who is no longer obsessed with the Pope – now he’s obsessed with Wayne Newton. Benny tells Jarod that this week would have been the 50th anniversary of his marriage to Adela … Wayne Newton will be playing in a golf tournament near their condo and he’s writing a song to play for him – to commemorate the fact that when he and Adela saw him perform in Vegas years ago, he changed their lives. Before she died, Benny promised Adela that he would write a song for Wayne Newton and he figures this is his chance to write it and give it to him.

Back at the scene of the crime, Jarod and Argyle are accosted by a short man named Nick, who tells them to get out of the way. When he finds out that Jarod is “Dick Dixon,” he punches Jarod in the face, for sleeping with his wife. Jarod says that they are just trying to find Mona Jeffries and the little man claims to know nothing about her whereabouts until Jarod grabs his finger and twists it. Then the man gives them Mona’s address … she owns a condo outside of town.

When Jarod and Argyle get there, they find that the place has been ransacked and there’s a policeman still there. When Jarod tells him that he’s “Dick Dixon” he prepares to get punched in the face again – but Deputy Wyatt just says that Dixon slept with one of his deputies and that she left the force because of him. He goes on to say that they got a call about a disturbance and when they arrived, they found the door jimmied and the place a mess, but no Mona. Her purse and car keys were still there. Mona has been kidnapped.

Back in the honeymoon suite, Broots is in his robe, shorts and socks and shoes (slippers?), spread-eagle on the bed with the heart-shaped headboard, when someone knocks on the door. Miss Parker has apparently retired to the bathroom again, but peeks out to see if Broots is going to answer the door. He makes a remark about her eyes being “late night creepers” and goes to see who is there. Much to his surprise, when he opens the door, he finds Sydney standing there. Broots is being smug, saying that things are going to be different now … but Miss Parker screams at him from the bathroom that she is going to kill him for using all the hot water – then comes out and tells Sydney that she hopes he’s there to rescue her from being cooped up with “Felix Unger.” Sydney tells her that he and Lyle have registered in separate suites at Caesar’s … and Miss Parker sounds wistful about having a suite all to herself. Sydney says that perhaps he and Lyle can relieve Miss Parker and Broots later – Miss Parker shoves Sydney out the door, tells him to call her when Lyle gets there, and closes the door in his face.

Broots is sitting on the bed, looking dejected. He tells Miss Parker that he thought things were going to be different between them. Miss Parker tells him that “there is no us … at least not that they know of.” Then she takes off her robe and advances on Broots again. He says that he gets it, but he has a fantasy that he has always wanted to live out with her … he tells her to call him “puff daddy” and she does. Broots turns on a radio (or CD or *something*) and lip-syncs to the announcer of the station … then dances around in front of her in a sort of funky way, before they both end up back on the back on the bed again.

Jarod and Argyle are still working on who killed Willie. Jarod says that according to the autopsy, what killed Willie was low levels of oxygen in the tissues due to hypothermia. He also had several ice picks stabs in each hand. The prime suspect is Constantine Falzone, an extortionist for a crime family. Argyle points out that Falzone just happens to have twin caddy’s … two large men who would have been strong enough to move the 300-pound Willie around.

Jarod and Argyle watch Falzone on the golf course and Jarod decides that he will learn to play golf so that he can beat Falzone at his own game. Jarod watches a video … Sam Van Sickle’s Golf Made Easy … practices for a little while on the golf course … and 56 minutes later is hitting holes in one. The twins are impressed, just as Jarod said they would be, and Falzone wants to take him on. When Jarod told them that his name was “Dick Dixon,” the married twin punched him in the face.

Falzone is floating face down in a pond when the twins take Jarod and Argyle to him … but he isn’t dead … he’s snorkeling for golf balls. He rises out of the water screaming, “I got balls!” and shows the handful of balls that he’s collected. Jarod accuses him of killing Willie and snatching Mona, but Falzone says that Willie never “came up short,” so he had no beef with him. He also said that all he knew about Mona was that she came to him, asking for help – saying that Dirty Willie was getting squeezed by the Frost Brothers. Falzone claims to have never heard of them before, despite his many connections in Vegas.

Back at the honeymoon suite, Broots wheels in a room service tray, picks up a bowl that has a gardenia floating in it and knocks on the bathroom door … where he believes Miss Parker to be. To his dismay, he finds out that Miss Parker, Mr. Lyle and Mr. Raines are sitting and standing behind him, on the other side of the room. Miss Parker motions Broots with her eyes to put the bowl back on the serving table, and he does.

Lyle says that they have a security photo showing Jarod leaving from the airport … it’s over … it’s time to go home. Broots is outraged and tells them that the manager just told him that someone made a reservation in the name of Jarod Segal … as in Bugsy Segal, the man who built Las Vegas … it must be Jarod! He shoves the picture back in Lyle’s chest and tells them that if they want to go then fine, but he and Miss Parker will stay and catch Jarod. Lyle looks at Broots with mild amusement … pauses for several beats … tells him to enjoy his breakfast and leaves with Mr. Raines. After they are gone, Miss Parker walks up to Broots and tells him that he’d better hope they catch Jarod or they are through. Broots, his bravado all spent, asks her if she means them? She tells him that she means their necks!

Jarod and Argyle drive back to Benny’s again … where they find that he has been raked in the face … by Wayne Newton’s musicians … who wouldn’t let him get close enough to sing his song. Benny tells Jarod that on the night that Wayne Newton sang to Adela, in her polka-dot dress, they went back to their room — and although Dr. Canepa said it was impossible … Argyle was conceived. Benny is miserable that he could not pay Mr. Newton back for Argyle with that song. He’s also unhappy that Argyle is mooning over the loss of Mona and tells Jarod that he must find that girl for his son.

Jarod and Argyle end up back with the little guy from the Alibar (Nick) and as they are questioning him, Deputy Wyatt, who hadn’t tried to punch Jarod the first time he met him at Mona’s, decided to try to punch him now. But Jarod is tired of being punched and moves out of the way this time. Wyatt is complaining that Jarod has ruined three months of police work in talking to Falzone … now they can’t get him for extortion. In the course of the conversation, the Frost Brothers come up and Wyatt says that it is a place … an abandoned meat packing plant, outside of town.

Jarod and Argyle go there and sure enough … there’s Mona, locked in one of the meat lockers. As Argyle rushes in to free her, Jarod notices drums of pistachio ice cream in there and tells them to hurry up – they must leave — but it’s too late. Deputy Wyatt and the man who claimed to be Mona’s brother are blocking the door – the only way out. After keeping Jarod, Argyle and the dog locked in the meat locker for 8 hours, they take Mona and say that they will kill her in the desert if they aren’t given the information that Willie was holding out on them. As they take Mona away, she tells Argyle not to give them anything … not one quarter. Jarod tells Argyle that it was an odd thing for Mona to say and Argyle tells him that when he first met her she had a bucket of quarters from Dirty Willie … it’s still in the office.

Jarod calls Wyatt back into the locker and they all end up at Dick Dixon’s office … in the bucket of quarters is a tiny tape machine, on which Dirty Willie recorded Deputy Wyatt extorting money from him. Jarod surprises Wyatt by telling him that he is not Dick Dixon – then knocks him unconscious with one punch. When Wyatt wakes up, he finds himself duct- taped to the chair, with his hands duct-taped to the desk. After Jarod threatens to stab him in the hand with the ice pick, Wyatt calls his partner and gets Mona freed. Then Jarod calls the FBI. When they get to the office, they find Willie’s killer waiting for them, along with the evidence to convict him.

Broots and Miss Parker are still in the honeymoon suite, waiting for Jarod to show up in the parking lot. Miss Parker is beginning to think her career is over … and once again, she goes to the bathroom. While she is in there, Broots sees Jarod pull into the parking lot. Rather than get Miss Parker, he takes her gun and goes to get Jarod himself. When Miss Parker comes out of the bathroom, telling Broots how she’s going to have the renewal wing erase the entire weekend from his mind, she finds Jarod all neatly tied up in a chair, being held captive by Broots. She’s so grateful that she advances on Broots yet again … and Jarod is distressed that he’s going to be forced to watch the loving little scene. Miss Parker tosses Broots onto the bed and tells him that it is her turn to live out a fantasy … she loves balding men, but one just isn’t enough to satisfy her … so she calls for “Mr. Wiggles” and Mr. Raines comes strutting out of the bathroom – dragging his oxygen tank behind him – and takes off his robe, revealing the fact that he is wearing only his leopard skin Speedo, his socks and shoes. Jarod is visibly flinching at the sight. Raines’ dancing around like Broots was earlier, saying he wants to get funked up and slithering his tongue, as both he and Miss Parker advance on Broots … who begins to scream.

Suddenly, Broots is sitting back in his chair by the window, getting doused with a pitcher of water by Miss Parker … she is hissing at him that she told him not to fall asleep. She tells him that he was asleep all night and asks him what; exactly, a “puff daddy” is … Broots acts like he doesn’t know and Miss Parker just walks away. Broots puts his head against his boom box, when he notices the bowl with the gardenia that was on the “room service” tray in his dream sitting beside it. He picks it up and looks slightly confused. Was it really a dream?

Benny is in his back yard when someone walks up to him. He looks up and finds himself staring at Wayne Newton. Newton tells him that he remembers Adela … sitting in the 3rd row, wearing her polka dot dress. Thrilled, Benny plays the song he wrote for him – which is awful! Newton tells Benny and everyone that he wants to see them at his show that night, as his guests … and Benny is beside himself with joy, especially when Wayne tells him that Adela was his inspiration, too. Afterwards, Newton tells Jarod that it is possibly the worst song he has ever heard, remarks that Benny and his family must mean a lot to him and thanks him for the huge donation.

Just as he is getting ready to leave, he mentions that he doesn’t think he ever got Jarod’s name … Jarod makes the mistake of telling him that he is Dick Dixon. Wayne Newton says, “You’re Dick Dixon?” Jarod tells him that he is and just as Wayne Newton is in the act of punching Jarod in the face….

The screen fades to black (and blue???) …